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Love Hate relationship with Food.

Recently, especially after the X’mas holidays then the Chinese New year, I am being extra aware of my eating habit. After partnering up with my good friend/mentor, to check-in our daily food eaten, it hit me even bigger. All these food that I’m shoveling down are all from emotional eating. I guess I have been coping any negative feelings by eating away.

When I am sad, I go for sweets, when I am troubled, I go for savory, when I’m bitter, I go for sour, when I’m frustrated, I go for fatty grease. There’s always a food to match up with my mood at the moment, except anger, when I’m super piss off, I actually can’t stop eating just about anything that comes in front of me, but the worst is, when I give up, I also give up on food, as if I give up on my life.

I realized that not just me, but also many people, tie their food intake with their mood at the moment, as if the food is really a side dish that come with our experience of our feelings.

How come we always have to celebrate with a feast? How come I need to treat myself when we have a rough day? How come when there are other solutions to solve whatever troubling me, but instead of being acceptance about my inability and use the time to gain perspectives to solve whatever the troublesome is, I rather just reach out my hands to food. This is actually not a way to cope, but more like keep on stuffing our mouth so that we are distracted to deal with my emotions.

After all these fade diets, change in type of food that I’m eating, whole wheat, wheat-free, meat, seafood, all veggies and vegan. I now starting to believe that all food creates a healthy body, as long as I am willing to respect and love myself so that I would make better and “kill less” produce with an overflowing of gratitude. As long as I am making conscious decisions about what I am going to eat. Of course at this very beginning is very tough, and I have fell off the wagon for so many times, but now as I spit it out on my blog, I realized that my major problem of over eating is the lack of outlet to express my feelings, no matter happy or sad. Even since my divorce, I had completely shut myself off from my heart with the rest of the World, because I’m being so scared, scared of getting hurt again, scared of losing again, scared of hurting someone else again, pretty much I’m in terrifying fear to tap into my negative feelings. I guess the time right before my divorce, I swallowed down a lot of negative feelings and food is the perfect side dish that comes with all those bad feelings.

Dear dear God, now I am finally admitting my eating dis-functioning and truly willing to open my heart and receive all the LOVE You have for us, so that I have the enormous courage to make a change in my eating habit, to become absolutely healthy on my eating habit, from grocery shopping to preparing the delicious food to washing dishes.

Dear dear God, I am surrendering my fear of my negative emotions to YOU, and please guide me to express and let go of these negative emotions and turn them around as LOVE so that everyone around, including myself, is capable to deliver and receive LOVE.

Thank You very much for being so loving kind to me, my past and future. I have complete faith in You~~
Thank You so very much, I Love YOU~~~

LOVE, what exactly is Love??

Some say it’s simple, but other say it’s complicated;

some say it’s a feeling, and other say it’s an energy;

some can only take, whereas some can only give;

some can only sense it through action, some can only feel it through words, and other can only understand it by physical touch;

The feeling of Love always comes and goes, because we always have this fear of losing love, it is our ego playing this fear trick on us, as I read the book Spirit Junkies and A Course in Miracles (where both mentioned that Love is all we have, and everything else is illusion from our ego blocking us to be in Love).

I can completely relate to this, because whenever I feel fully trusting, encouraged and brave on doing certain things, I have more than ever ability to take on the task, but when I have the fear of not able to get the work done, somehow somewhere along the way, I lost the touch and won’t be able to do the job right.

LOVE is the full abundance feeling that overflow like a fountain inside our ribcage, whenever LOVE is present, it cast away all fears & darkness, whenever we feel Loved, we also sense our more than ever power and talent, whenever we are afraid, just simply come back to our breathe, close our eyes and recall the first memory of us hugging our mom when we 1st born, that is the most unconditional LOVE in this whole universe, it is this connection keep LOVE pass forward to generation to generation to us, and LOVE will pass on to our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and their kids.

Dear dear God, thank YOU so very much for empowering your LOVE in me so that I can express your Almighty Loving power to other who has fear block them away from You, please guide us and help us overcome all fears inside and be with LOVE always. I LOVE YOU so~~~ <3 <3 <3

A week of 2013 had gone by, as if the whole 2012 didn’t really happen. During the holidays I was catching up with friends a lot, maybe because I isolated myself for the whole time I was recovering from my injury, both my right ring finger (which was fractured from an exercise during my Level 6 POP workshop in Tw end of Oct) and my recent dramatic disaster relationship.

Talking about my 2012, as if it was a dream. I didn’t even notice that I actually did many many things. I went to India for a month for yoga & meditation, went to London & Paris for 2 weeks over my 33th birthday (well, I’m in my 30s now, I don’t really mind you know how old I am! I don’t look 30s anyway… hahaha.. ), during the whole summer, I was house-sitting, then I went to HK for my very best friend’s wedding then to Taiwan for my annual POP self development workshop. Pretty  much, the whole year, I wasn’t really home at all.

Relationship-wise, I went through 3 relationships which all turns out to be very dramatically affected me, during the relationships I was in complete pain, both in mind and in heart, because all 3 relationships are not what I desire but I was more attracted to the idea of NOT being alone than the men that I was seeing. The very last relationship had really completely put me in shock, ended up in a good way. Somehow, after all the dramas, I realized that I can’t rush into a relationship & head-over-heels a guy anymore. I have to learn to be patience and have faith, not like what my friend said today to have faith in the Universe to take care of everything for her, but instead, I take in ownership and have faith in my inner spirit who is part of me, my higher self that would lead me to where I desire.

This massive abundance feeling is overflowing into me since the new year comes, as if the whole 2012 was to prepare me for this moment, for this upcoming fully fruitful 2013. It’s a very mysterious but yet very joyful & peaceful kind of feeling that has been pouring onto me since I drove down to Seattle to visit my best best friend.

The whole drive to & from Seattle, I was just reciting the Heart Mantra. I’ve been citing the Heart Mantra since the last relationship because I want to find peace, and somehow that mantra creates such amazing effect, not only give me peace but also help me re-connect to my compassion towards others and mostly, myself.

I slowly feel the materials I been through in Level 6 during Oct, are sinking in. All this time that I attend POP workshops, in every class, I tried my very best to take notes, as much as possible, so I won’t miss a word or an idea our teachers said. But in this Level 6, because my right ring finger was injured and they put a big cast on my arm, I wasn’t able to write at all. Even after I came back, I volunteer in a Level 1 workshop, in which I still couldn’t write very smooth, but I was the translator, so I had to translate word to word verbatim. It is quite funny that I always wanted to record everything for future use, just in case, but I never read any of my notes after class. But the last few days of Level 6 and the recent Level 1, I finally realized that it is not the words or ideas that I copied down, it’s actually the moment that I was so focused on that made them memorable and deep into my heart.

2 nights ago, my other best friend in Toronto was drunk and troubled with boys again, as usual, but this time she was brave enough to raise her concerns to her man and they actually had a good talk and moving forward on their relationship. After all this time of me telling her to ask him and talk him, it finally happened. Me and my friend both agreed that this is an absolutely amazing beginning for a new start, not only for 2013, but actually for this new age of Aquarius. I can actually sense the shift in energy and I’m being in this new alignment of the stars of this Universe that have been pouring me with more and more abundance of everything. I can feel that my intuition is getting stronger and sharper. It’s pretty hard to describe in words, but I can sense the force of the Universe is flowing, it’s just amazing!!

Well, this is for sure a super wonderful beginning of another new age of this Universe. May we all re-ignite to our pure compassionate light;

May we all re-connect to our simple intuitive sensitive heart;

May we all re-cover to our original raw self from all suffers;

May we all re-turn to our most sacred safe place in our soul.

Dear dear God, please guide us~

愛，原來真是一鼓永恆不變的力量。 而我一直以為自己是愛無能，多麼冷血地傷害每個愛我的人。 今天又在整理，這次找到的不再是舊情人給我的，而是我寫給他的，做給他的小手工。自從分開後我都非常痛恨自己傷害了他，上POP課久了，發現我傷了很多人，包括我自己，而一直我都無法諒解自己。今天看到自己以前用滿心的愛去為一個做出來的本子，讓我真正返回內心，再次願意觸碰我內心深處那個單純的小女孩，我內裡那份無邪的愛。慢慢開始打開緊緊不放的恨，漸漸接受和原諒自己。 一次一次的翻開舊患，雖然過程是傷心難過，但亦感到每次都在癔癒，更將我的心拉近回到靈魂𥚃。 非常感恩生命裡每個經歷，更感謝上天的指引，深深地感到與天地結合的自在。 愛妳哎〜

你還記得這一首嗎？

以前覺得呢d歌詞好啱我唱俾唔愛我嘅男友聽。

今晚突然唸起，好多好多年冇聽過。E家再聽番感覺唔到以前嗰份無助、委屈嘅無奈，而聽到嘅係一把似曾相識嘅聲音從我眉心𥚃哼著 ＂我問你：難道你捨得這些心血? 棄掉我倆，求你別這樣！＂

轉眼間，中學時代，每次失戀嘅畫面漸漸浮現，每次都嘔心瀝血、費盡心力同對方講，我對佢有幾好、有幾付出，但倒頭嚟次次都只係我一廂情願地將自己連人帶心好似賣大包咁送出去。

今晚再次聽番呢首舊歌不但只回味年輕時嘅感情世界，亦體悟到一直係度唱呢首歌嘅係我內在嘅小宇宙公主，小嘉敏，而當然就係唱俾自己聽，問自己我係咪就咁就放棄自己？

再聽住歌詞 ＂誰如我愛你那麼多＂，我又再次喚醒長眠係心底最深心處嘅神性，我與生俱來嘅靈性。原來呢份天然永恆不變嘅能量一直都係我身邊保護、帶領同愛著我，祂從來冇離棄過我，反而係我選擇咗聽唔到、睇唔見祂嘅指引，係我背棄咗祂，寧願相信冇愛嘅存在。全因我從來冇發現同探索祂原來一直都住係我心底。

感恩我一直嘅逃避，令我內在嘅靈性一次又一次大大聲聲嘅求救，讓上天聽到我嘅痛哭，慢慢地走回我嘅人生道途上，踏進咗POP嘅教室，切切實實地探索我同呢個屋企、朋友、社會、世界、甚至整個宇宙嘅相連關係。真係好似老師話：所有嘅痛苦必有禮物。而今晚我體驗到一份對蒼天更深嘅連結同感激。

至高無上全能嘅神，請袮帶領我哋每顆靈魂穿越我哋內在一切痛苦、黑暗，求袮幫助我哋能夠完全接納我哋嘅過去與未知嘅未來，求袮俾我哋勇氣同堅定去迎接所有。
感謝袮，我愛袮！

A month ago, I was in Taiwan finishing my annual self development workshop at the headquarter of POP, Taipei. I was in Level 6, Master, learning to be the leader of leaders, bringing happiness & peace from Heaven to Earth, guiding the lost from the darkness into the path with light.

Today is the 3rd night of another POP Level 1 that I volunteer as a translator. This time in class I have this unlimited strings of words flowing out of my mouth, to be serious, sometimes, I have really no idea where those words came from and they actually all make sense after the frequency of the words bounce back into my ear drums. I am becoming very amazed & proud of myself!

Even though I didn’t bring a friend to come to this class but I actually felt that I have a bigger purpose to be here in class this time, is to become the channel between our Master Huang and our English speaking student. Through translating word to word verbatim, I am learning so much from Master Huang because he always have deep deep wisdom to share, but this Level 1 is the 1st time I translate for him, so I was a bit nervous because I was afraid that I don’t have the right words to make sure our student can completely understand. Turns out, the student actually has a very very deep connection in our major main exercise today and he’s determined to take action to Change his Life! Yes, Change My Life is the theme of Level 1~

To be honest, there were times I had to close my eyes or stare at a fixed point to focus my concentration, and once I’m tuned in to the moment, the words became hundreds of lyrics of beautiful songs dancing out of my mouth, it wasn’t even my brain was working anymore, I felt. As if angels were helping me, pulling strings inside my mouth to articulate the sounds of the words. They were so powerful yet soft touching the student’s heart. I am very amazed the power of God who gives me such beautiful gift that I can share & contribute. I truly truly very thankful, my dear God~~

Dear Dearest God, thank You so very much for guiding me & leading me to my stage, thank You so very much for loving & protecting me all this time! I truly You amazing creation! I LOVE YOU~~ xoxo

Five years ago, there was a man who would do anything, from walk all over Earth or dive into bottomless ocean, just to show me his LOVE to me, but the only thing he could not do was my weakest deadliest point, not being physically beside me; today, another man who tries his very best to show me his desire & effort to let me know how much he cares & wants to be with me, but he cannot be 100% with me, also.
I start to understand, LOVE doesn’t mean to have, to own, to possess; in fact, LOVE is actually the exact opposite, LOVE means to let free, to share, to give.
I guess I really have it all wrong since I was very young because I always thought loving means to have, at least, that’s what seems to me all along.
Turns out, loving someone is to set their body, mind, heart & soul free.
Now, I truly understand how much all these people have LOVE(d) me & how compassionate they are to me all this time, seeing me do all these over the edge crazy things!
Dear God, thank YOU so very much to creat such huge drama skit for me to grab my attention so that I stop & focus on my life; thank YOU for showing me what LOVE is all about, we’ll, for starter; thank YOU for guiding me on this path so that I practice this awareness to notice; I’m just very so thankful that I found my way back to YOU, back to LOVE, back to my sweet glowing soul~
I LOVE YOU soo~~

Came back to this wet cold Vancouver for 3 weeks now… At the beginning of Oct, I left here with a scattered heart & an unfaithful irresponsible boyfriend; on the 1st of Nov, I came back with a fractured finger bone on my right in a soft cast & a recovering heart celebrating that I finally able to speak up when things are bothering me.
Ever since I went to POP Level 6 on Oct 24, I had a break from my writing, then I injured my hand & lost the momentum to write, I guess I was giving myself excuses not to look inside myself, my heart anymore. Maybe I am being more than ever frightened of what would I see, what would I find, what would I discover.
I have been numbing myself by continuous TV watching & stuffing myself with junk foods, finally my body compel to them all today, I felt super sick in my stomach & I realized I was torturing myself more than ever, just because I don’t have the courage to walk into solitude which I have been avoiding & running away from since 12 years old. Yes! It has been this loooong!!
I really don’t understand why every relationships I was in, I had such great fear deep down of losing them, until my studies in POP & other guides meditations, I now understand that I am incapable of being alone due the childhood experience of being left behind in the house home alone for too many years. Somehow I found myself being frustrated, sad and afraid & yet unable to express to my parents when I was young, so I wasn’t developed to express my feelings completely, only the emotional frustration got delivered most of the time but the issues never did & it has been accumulated all these years.
Thank God that He listened to my inner guide is crying & thank God for sending me angels to help me realized that I have been suffering because I’m afraid of spending time to develop a solid trusting relationship with my inner self.
Dear dear God, please guide me to heal my inner wounds, help me to accept, forgive, trust & love myself, please~~
Dear dear God, please, please guide me in Your loving light & I shall glory You with Your light shinning from the inside my heart to every other souls on Your land!
I love You!